8 Food Products that Make the Crohn's Diet Enjoyable

My husband has Crohn's disease, an Inflamitory Bowel Disease that causes ulcers in the mouth, stomach, and intestinal tract (more here). With medicine and a certain diet, Kyle can control the disease. Though the diet varies for the many sufferers of Crohn's disease, most can agree on dairy, red meat, and alcohol as a common irritant. Even Lactaid milk products bother him. Kyle also has to avoid too much High Fructose Corn Syrup and roughage, but these are all allowed in moderation.

In our year of marriage (April 24, 2010) I have-- for the most part-- adopted his specialized diet. Of course, when we eat out I won't feel guilty about the Olive Garden's delicious Braised Beef and Tortellini and I drink real wine at dinner with his mother, but most of my meal preparation has been considerate of his needs.

Because of this, I've quickly found some amazing food substitutes that have made eating with him quite healthy and enjoyable.




Morning Star Farms Meal Starters: Grillers' Recipe Crumbles
This vegetable based beef substitute may not be the stuff great burgers are made of, but it's fantastic to fluff up a marinara sauce. I've served it over pasta or scrambled with barbecue sauce, mushrooms, and skillet fried potatoes. The beef substitute comes frozen and thaws quickly.

It tastes good and it's full of protein, too, which is a struggle for the Crohn's sufferer.

The only warning I can give is that the Crumbles will make you gassy if you overdo it. Use Morning Star Crumbles as a garnish, not a meal.

Oscar Mayer Turkey Hot Dogs
I have decided that I like Turkey Dogs better than beef. You can eat them raw (which, I must admit, I do for a snack) or grill them up to serve on buns. Turkey Dogs taste better microwaved than most traditional pork and beef dogs and are leaner. Turkey Dogs and Baked Beans are frequently on my weekend menu.

Oscar Mayer even makes a Hardwood Smoked variety now (delicious!) and bun-length dogs.



Galaxy Nutritional Foods' Veggie Cheese
I have never found it anywhere but Publix, but then again I rarely shop anywhere else for groceries besides Publix and Target. The Veggie Cheese comes in multiple flavours and in slices as well as shreds. We have their Mozarella on our Chicken Parmesan and their Pepper Jack slices on my husband's  deli sandwiches.

The veggie cheese melts a lot slower than real cheese, though, so you have to mind that when trying to do something like Macaroni and cheese or bruschetta. Galaxy's cheddar substitute taste great in a home made macaroni and cheese dinner.

Silk (Or Publix Greenwise) Soy Milk
Soy Milk tastes a bit funny to those who are used to cow's milk, but once you get used to it, it tasted better. If you're easing into Soy Milk, start with Silk Chocolate Milk, which tastes like a milk shake. The best glass of soy milk I've ever had was at a place called Noodles in the Bellagio in Vegas, but if I had to pick which jug to buy at the supermarket, I would pick Silk or Greenwise any time.

Silk is delicious, but Greenwise is cheaper. The great thing about Silk, though, is that the plain flavour-- which actually works in Mac n' Cheese but should not go into Hamburger Helper-- comes in two packs for a better value.

Soy Milk is full of protein and is really filling. It's healthier for you and is enriched with all the vitamins you might miss from cow's milk. It doesn't make great ice cream (I'll address what does, later) but it works just fine in coffee and over cereal. I find Silk chocolate milk more enjoyable than anything coming from a cow.

Ground Turkey
Ground Turkey is how I make my own burgers. Here's the trick, mix the turkey with egg white and mix in a few seasonings. If you use egg white as a binder, the turkey burgers don't fall apart on the grill. Properly bound and seasoned, Turkey Burgers are just as good as beef. Put proper toppings and some guests may never know the difference.

Coconut Milk Ice Cream
Coconut Milk Ice Cream has the right texture and tastes great. Of course, if you don't like Coconut, then maybe you should stick to Italian Ice.

Miller's Sharps Non-Alcoholic Beer
O'douls has cornered the market on virgin beer for  some time, but Miller's similar product has been recently pushed to the front of the shelves and my husband likes it better. It's cheaper than real beer and smoother than O'douls or St. Paulie Girl's competing products.

If you drink beer to be drunk and you have Crohn's, tough. If you drink beer because you like it and because you like drinking while hanging out with the guys, Sharps is a good option for you. Now you can sit around with the guys and talk without them bugging you about why you aren't having a brewski.

Smart Balance
Butter is dairy and margarine is scary stuff. Smart Balance is made out of vegetable oils and tastes so good! Best part? A new Smart Balance product has added Calcium (Crohn's sufferers frequently suffer bone density loss from Vitamin D and Calcium deficiencies.)

Smart Balance is great to cook with, to spread on bread, and it is non-dairy.



If you can think of any delicious substitutes for liquor, beef, and dairy, comment here. I would love your ideas! Lactaid doesn't work for us, but maybe you can tell us what will!

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Hanna: A Complete, Multi-Layer, Film Experience

For my first wedding anniversary I received a gift of paper, according to tradition. Paper was in the form of tickets to see any movie at the theatre local to my parents. The problem was that this theatre is small and doesn't show much. The choices seemed to be horror and the flood of celebrity-voiced 3D animated movies that are out right now-- and not even the Johnny Depp one!

Thor isn't out until next week and Brides Maids until the week after. I wasn't excited for much, so we took a shot on Hanna. I'm glad we did. Now, I'm not sure if Hanna being one-letter short of the spelling that is a palindrome was purposeful (I found it oddly symbolic), but every other image in the movie was quite deliberate. Hanna is an expertly crafted film and deserves better than the 71% it currently has on Rotten Tomatoes.


I'm going to try to be spoiler-free here, and so past the premise I'm not going to tell you anything about the story. Hanna (Saoirse Ronan) is a teenage girl raised in seclusion in the woods. Her father is training her to be some kind of elite killer and to have constant vigilance. The film starts with Hanna killing an adult deer in the frozen wilderness and that symbol isn't entirely clear until it is completed at the end of the piece.

Every bit of sound design is expertly chosen. Sounds like the crunching of snow draw your attention to later, more meaningful choices like the rhythm of a ceiling fan or the jarring, raw chip tunes played in combat scenes.

At the top of the film Hanna finishes her preparation and leaves the world she was raised in. Leaving the forest becomes her own Into the Woods experience and from here on out, the movie is pitch perfect. We don't know why the delightful villian, Marisa (Kate Blanchet), is trying to take her and kill her father (Eric Bana). We don't know what Hanna has been prepared for. Those mysteries are answered, but more important is the coming of age story that takes place.

The urban environments outside of nature are alien. The music and the bizarre environments immerse the audience in Hanna's perspective. Everything is new. Everything is strange. The art direction never takes the easy way out-- making the audience feel uncomfortable with sexuality-- and keeps Hanna innocent. Even the comedic moments are derived from awkward moments in socialization. Some of the best of these moments come from the strangely candid comments from her new teenage friend (because most teenagers just don't have a filter).

The fight choreography is well designed and well executed. Even the violence is disconnected. The film maintains a PG13 rating by keeping the real horrifying acts off camera, but this also serves a more artistic purpose than pleasing the ratings board. The disconnect translates to Hanna, showing how she is disconnected she is from the atrocities she has been trained to commit.

Then we have layer upon layer of symbolism. The deer is just one example. Throughout the film there is a Grimm's Fairytale element that continues the theme of Into the Woods.

Hanna is a well-planned, beautifully filmed and acted coming of age story nested inside a spy thriller. It's a must see for Spring 2011.

Final Grade: A

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Ten Worst Cast Superheroes of BlockBuster Film

As a follow-up to the Ten BEST Cast Superheroes, I thought I'd present a list of the worst. Some of these were really easy to decide, but some of these took more effort. Like with the Best Cast list, I had to decide if the casting was bad or if it was just the script.

Here they are, some of the worst castings in superhero film/television.


10. Toby McGuire as Spider-Man

Sure, the script was part of this shortcoming, but I'm not really sure that, even if the witty, sarcastic side of Spider-Man had been written, Toby could have pulled it off. Toby tends to play someone deep and serious, a wee bit angsty, but the wise-cracking doesn't seem natural. In most cases where it happened in the McGuire film, it seemed bitter.

Toby didn't really look like a teenager, or even a college freshman, at all in the series.

9. Topher Grace as Venom

Topher Grace should have played Peter Parker and a big, muscly blonde guy should have played Eddie Brock. Topher does not look at all like Eddie, who is always a beefy guy with yellow hair and thick, dark brows.

8. Jessica Alba as The Invisible Woman

I like Jessica Alba. She has a great presence, she's funny, she's gorgeous. Still, she was not right for this role. Jessica Alba is Italian/French/English/Mexican and her hispanic heritage really comes through in her appearance. Susan Storm Richards is always a classic looking, blonde-haired, blue-eyed house wife. Specifically a 50's housewife type, though she has strayed in recent years since the Fantastic Four movies.

Jessica Alba could have worked as a number of gorgeous superhero bombshells, but Susan Richards really needed to be naturally blonde. And don't start me on how bizarre those blue contacts look. I have eyes as dark/darker than Alba's and I know that there's no help for brown eyes. They were distracting and alien.

Instead of casting a hispanic woman and trying to make her look white, they could have cast a white woman (Rachel McAdams, cough) and saved Alba for another role.

7. James Marsden as Cyclops

Marsden may have looked good in the role. He may have been plenty hilarious in Enchanted, but as Scott Summers, instead of being a take-charge, semi-douchey hero type, he was an emo kid.

6. Jennifer Garner as Elektra

Elektra Natchios is Greek.

5. Halle Berry as Catwoman

I will give her a bit of credit in saying that there was no saving this script. The writer, after so many edits, told them to take his name off of it. Still, Halle Berry is not a good Catwoman. She doesn't have the cat-like quality that the character needs-- though once again in the name of fairness, that character wasn't even Selena Kyle.

4. Halle Berry as Storm

Storm is a Queen. She was worshiped as a Goddess. She calls down mighty storms and justice upon her enemies. Halle played her as a mouse. Storm had no strength and it was really disappointing to see one of the first strong women in comics played so meekly.

3. Kate Bosworth as Lois Lane

Once again the criticism is taking a bold comic book lady and making her a mouse. Lois Lane is a tough cookie and one of the most competent women in comics. Sure, her early years were spent fighting Lana, trying to trick infant versions of Clark Kent into marrying her. But Lois Lane has always had spunk and Bosworth just doesn't have it.

Add to it that Bosworth has a very distinct feature that Lois does not-- two different coloured eyes. The makeup team should have at least put her in contacts so that we wouldn't be distracted by a striking feature that the iconic character has never had.

2. Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr. Freeze

Mr. Freeze was a scrawny guy in a big suit. Apparently big suit translates to Hollywood Terminator. We have to remember that Mr. Freeze was a scientist driven mad over the loss of his wife. Arnold just didn't feel believable.
Arnold, himself, is so very, incredibly iconic. It's like the viewers have an agreement with any producer of a movie to say "Oh, okay, so in this movie Arnold is Arnold as a Dad and in this movie Arnold is Arnold as a cop." He's always Arnold and therefore should not be forced into the role of another, already iconic character.

That movie had many other problems including rubber nipples on the Bat-suit, but not being able to believe Victor Freeze was a scientist or even anyone but an action star didn't have to be one of them.

1. Kirsten Dunst as Mary Jane Watson

There were problems with her hair in the first two movies, sure, but the bigger problem was that Kirsten Dunst was not Mary Jane. Apparently she was the only actress they tested who had any chemistry with Toby, but really that's just another reason NOT TO CAST TOBY.

Dunst's Mary Jane was excused as a mix between MJ and Gwen, but really Gwen has more spunk than that. If you were to average out Gwen's high maintenance love for fashion and teacher's pet thing with Mary Jane being a SUPERMODEL and a redhead, then you would, at the very least, get someone with twice as much attitude as Kirsten's Mary Jane.

And you can't really blame the script for her lack of presence in the role. If Dunst had the right strut, no lack of lines could have stopped her from stealing the spotlight.

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The Ten Best Cast Superheroes of Blockbuster Film/Television

This article is about the best cast superheroes of film. A follow-up article about the worst cast will be posted at a later date. I have to clarify that this list is for Blockbuster Films/Television only. We've seen some amazing fan films since the rise of the internet. I posed this question to my brother (who is a huge comic book nerd), to my husband (who is a purist about the comics he knows), and to my Facebook friends, who took off with it. Here are the Ten Best Cast Superheroes of blockbuster Film.

10. Erica Durance as Lois Lane

It took Smallville four seasons to get to Lois Lane. Anything would have been refreshing after watching Clark pine for three years over Lana, a coreless character who shifted to be whatever the writers needed for a storyline. In came Erica Durance. The first tease of her arrival in Smallville, looking for information on the "death" of her cousin Chloe, made all of the classic Superman fans jump for joy.

Durance, who was a tall, tough looking brunette and not a Hollywood twig, was a breath of fresh air. After three years of Lana, the viewers fully expected an angsty damsel in distress to ruin their hopes and dreams. Durance plays Lois strong and sassy with a clipped Cadence to her voice and a sharp attitude.

Durance also handles the on-camera violence well. We really believe that she knows what she's doing when she kicks a bad guy in the face.

Over the years Durance has proven herself as an actress. Episodes like #4.18, "Spirit" show her range when she gets to play other characters in Lois' body. She even succeeded in playing the wife of Zod and Chloe later on in the series and each performance was a success.

Talent isn't enough when casting iconic characters from a graphic medium. Erica Durance has the talent, but she also has the look (okay, so maybe she could drop a few blonde highlights).

9. Kelsey Grammar as Beast

It is important to clarify that this list is about the casting, not about the movie. There will be a few castings on this list that were great but existed within sub-par movies. X-Men and X2 were fantastic adaptations-- true to the spirit of the series, though they had already ruined a couple of characters. By the third X-Men movie, however, the producers' need to put in every character the fans wanted to see, completely ruined the series. Wolverine suffered from the same fatal flaw.

Still, Kelsey Grammar was that casting that, when announced, my brother and I slapped our foreheads and shouted "WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?". Grammar had spent the better part of his career playing a scientist/doctor who was too smart to be really socially capable on Frasier. With blue fur and a suit, he should have been perfect. Too bad the movie wasn't.

8. Christian Bale as Batman

"I'm Batman" may be easy enough to say, but to play it is much harder. You need someone who not only fits the bill of brunette, pretty playboy, but can also play Bruce Wayne, the man, and Batman the hero. We need someone who we can believe dons a heavy suit and fights crime without the benefit of super-powers. Bale has yo-yo'd between extremes for the role, bulking up to play Bruce, slimming down for the Fighter and bulking up yet again. He may occasionally have a diva screaming fit at crew, but you have to give him credit for his dedication.

Bale plays the subtlety of man tortured by his past, balanced with the command of a billionare entrepreneur and the gritty, somewhat crazy presence of the iconic Batman. He changes his voice to explain why he is never recognized. He plays dramatic moments with the perfect level of performance.

Could someone else step in, bulk up and play Batman? Probably. Would we want to risk losing Bale? No. Batman is the best written DC character and if you want to argue with me I have a comments section. Batman is built on so many complex layers and the script is so perfectly written int he Nolan series to explain believably why a man with all of the money in the world would put on a high tech bat costume and fight crime. Bale may not be the only man for the job, but so far he has been the best Batman to don the suit on film and I don't care to see someone else try. I am completely satisfied with his performance.

7. Michael Clark Duncan as the Kingpin

I know what some of you are saying right now. "But Amy, isn't the Kingpin a big fat white guy?" Yes, yes he is. But then Nick Fury was also David Hasslehoff with an eye patch. It didn't stop him from turning into Samuel L. Jackson in the Ultimate Universe.

It needs to be considered in every film adaptation that we are not watching the main continuity (or Earth 616 in this case). The movie will not follow the major canon because it can't. Canon is spread out over sixty or more years for most popular comics and weird crap like rejuvination chambers and seventeen resurrections have taken place. Since the X-Men were in High School, fifty some-odd years have passed and still Cyclops is not yet 30.

I know that I said that the look of the character was required, but hear me out. In Kingpin's case the presence is more important. You can find six thousand sassy actresses to play Lois and just as many brunette pretty boys to play Batman. Kingpin needs to be large and in charge. He has to be silky, confident, powerful. Michael Clark Duncan is the only major, well-known actor I can think of who could even come close to the scale of what Kingpin needs to be. Maybe they should have brought in an unknown, but face it, we all like to see faces we know when they cast these films.

6. Ian McKellan as Magneto

I love Ian McKellen. I love his Richard III, I love his Gandalf. At first I wasn't too sure about his Magneto, namely because he is pretty frail and Magneto is always jacked. My brother, however, slapped some sense into me. I'm usually the one to point out that mainstream audiences will go "WTF" about comic canon. Sam pointed out that if you cut the rejuvination chamber and put Eric/Magnus/Max, whatever his name is these days in canon, in a modern setting and still keep his holocaust backstory, he has to be that old. You aren't going to find someone as old as Sir Ian McKellen who still looks like a superhero.

Ian McKellen is one of the most talented actors I will ever get the opportunity to see perform. It is more important to have someone capable of playing the part than just fitting the skin. Magneto is perhaps one of the best written supervillians of all time. He is complex. We don't, for one minute, believe that he believes he is truly evil. We always understand his motives and his good intentions. Magneto is an old man who fears a second Holocaust for his children and will do anything to prevent it. He does not believe that mutant kind and their human oppressors will ever coexist peacefully and he has seen first hand what can happen to a minority that trusts things to work out. Ian McKellan made that incredibly clear in the X-Men movies.

5. Ryan Reynolds as Deadpool

Close your eyes. Imagine Wolverine if the movie stopped before Wolverine's girlfriend "died." Wasn't Ryan Reynolds awesome as wise-cracking Wade Wilson? No, stop. Forget that abomination they called Deadpool in the latter half of the movie. Forget his no-face. Forget his no-speaking (WTF, Deadpool not cracking jokes. What is this?). Forget that the samurai swords in his arms would prevent any mobility when they were retracted because they would go up through his elbows.

Ryan Reynolds was great. The script was awful. Seriously. That movie should be burned.

4. JK Simmons as J. Jonah Jameson

Usually these kinds of lists stick to the major cast, but JK Simmons needs credit for his performance in Spider-Man 1-3. Spider-Man 3 was a stinky pile of melodrama, emo, and (*sings*) SAND-MAN, and that probably was what killed any chances of that series continuing. So far everything I have seen of the Andrew Garfield reboot looks fantastic and I'm really excited, but in doing a reboot I feel like JK Simmons went to waste.

Simmons not only looked the part once he was in the makeup, he played it brilliantly. Jameson is one of those parts that no actor should ever try to interpret seriously. Spider-Man needs more of his kind of comedy in it. When you remove the wise-cracks from Peter, he does seem a little out of place, but if the tone of Spider-Man is interpreted correctly, James should be exactly what Simmons made him: a cartoon.

I felt like JK Simmons fell out of a cartoon and that is a comic book nerd's dream when it comes to these bit parts.

3. Heath Ledger as the Joker

You knew I was going to get there. Heath Ledger as the joker still amazes me, because nobody believed it would be a good idea until they saw it. I believed it was a great idea because I try not to judge actors by the audience of their previous work. I remember the internet exploding with protests that a teen heart throb was going to play Joker. The wanna-be macho men that screamed the loudest only knew that he was in the gay cowboy movie and some teen films. They forgot The Patriot or that he wasn't just a teen actor.

I thought that Ledger would be great because I remembered how darkly mysterious his smile was in 10 Things I Hate About You. I was willing to give him a chance and I am glad I did. I've seen it argued that the impression of his performance was inflated by his premature death. I do believe, to some extent, that replacement would have been possible if he had quit instead of passed. Still, Heath Ledger's performance was brilliant. It wasn't just the script.

Now credit must be given to Christopher Nolan for being the first to bring us a truly twisted Joker-- a force of chaos more than a man. Ledger showed his true grit in his physicality (like his choice to lick his scars) and in the choice to play opposites. Katie Holmes could have learned a thing or two from Ledger. He took moments where a lesser actor would have been angry and played them gleeful. He took moments where Joker was putting on a grand show and made them oddly casual. Ledger's delivery of some of the best lines in the script took a route outside of the obvious and that is why we will remember him and his disappearing pencil trick.

2. Robert Downey Junior as Iron Man

RDJ looks the part. We've got that down. RDJ is also a recovering alcoholic, like Tony Stark. That's a fun (not really fun) fact, but it's not why he is great. Robert Downey Jr. is great because he plays a facade of arrogance and sharp wit with brilliant comedic timing and still leaves a subtle uncertainty underneath the surface of Tony Stark.

We laugh hysterically when he is being a wise-cracker, but we also feel his pain when he is struggling with the guilt of what his weapons have done or feeling his own mortality as he struggles against a villain.

He works so well with Gwenyth Paltrow, too. The chemistry is so intense that even when there is nothing in the script to suggest it, the sexual tension resonates between them.

RDJ is so good that he created a problem for Captain America casting. RDJ has so much presence that it was a struggle to find someone who could compete with him as a believable leader for the upcoming Avengers movie. Tony Stark is a big character and RDJ is the only man I can think of to fill his shoes.

1. Patrick Stewart as Professor Xavier

X-Men was the first superhero movie to turn people back to the superhero genre. Batman and Robin had previously hammered the last nail in the coffin and then Brian Singer came in to bust the lid open and raise it from the dead.

No matter what cast of characters you put in the X-Men, Xavier is a constant. Yes he's died, gone off, resurrected, returned... but we always think of Xavier because he is the proverbial father of the X-Men. Charles Xavier is the glue that keeps them together and in an origin he is essential.

The return of the superhero movie, thus, rested on finding a great Xavier and I don't think anyone thought of anyone outside of Patrick Stewart. Bald, present, wise, and the perfect age: Patrick Stewart had to be him.

Casting Xavier and Magneto with such talented, powerful actors ensured that, no matter how strangely Rogue, Storm, etc were written, the message of the movies still came through. No matter what else was wrong, we still understood that these films, though supernatural, were about real people, real fears, and real issues that we can relate to. Mankind struggles with hatred and acceptance every day and casting someone has naturally wise and assuring as Patrick Stewart reminded us that this wasn't just Sci-Fi, it is an allegory for the struggle of humanity.

Plus, the casting director was already guaranteed that he looked good bald.

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True Tales from Retail: The Quiet Phone

So this woman walks into the store late in my shift. The woman is a bit disconnected looking to start with. Maybe her hair was teased, maybe she was electrocuted on the way. She has white hair and a vacant look in her eye. She doesn't look elderly, though, just a little out-of-it. She approaches my associate, Wall.e, with a dinosaur of a portable phone.

Now, when I say dinosaur, you have to understand that 10 years in technology time is FOREVER. She has a 10 year old portable phone and she's claiming that we sold her a bad battery. I don't hear what is going on, but I see evident frustration in Wall.e's shoulders, so I step in.


She's claiming that the battery we sold her to replace her old one must be defective because her phone is too quiet. An alarm goes off in my head. Technology of the turn of the century is not going to be programmed well enough to reduce functionality to save battery life when it is low. If the device works at all, the battery is fine. I suggest the first logical explanation in my mind for why changing the battery could suddenly decrease the volume. I suggest that the default volume might have been set when the phone lost power for the battery change. We spend five minutes trying to find the volume settings in the handset while she keeps interrupting to touch the phone and repeat that the battery is bad. We keep explaining that we wouldn't be able to turn it on if the battery was bad.

She asks if she can return the battery. I explain that batteries generally aren't returnable once open because any use renders them unable to be resold. I ask if she has the receipt. She says no. I explain that we can't even take it as defective without the receipt or the card it was purchased on. She tells Wall.e that she bought the battery in August (WHICH WAS NINE MONTHS AGO) and that this battery is the reason her phone is too quiet. She only just now decided it was unusable and needs to return it. I inform her that there is NO WAY we'll take back a nine month old battery.

She asks if she can just put the old battery back in. Wall.e and I look confused, for sure, now. Wall.e asks if the old battery works and she answers that it does. Wall.e continues to ask-- because at this point I'm already rendered speechless-- why she changed the battery in the first place. Her reply: "Because the phone was too quiet."

At this point Wall.e walks away. I assume he is speechless with rage.

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A Drama Intervention: How to Avoid RP Drama and Why

This article is tailored specifically to the online, text-based gaming world, but I’m sure that it has many applications in other social or gaming environments. So here it is, How to Avoid RP Drama and Why.

“The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.”
-Dorothy Nevill

I. Why NOT to Participate:

i. The Internet is Written in Ink, Not Pencil:
It is important to remember that everything you say is there forever. Okay, sure, you may be able to lose things that you sometimes wish you could find again, but permanence of the internet is always something you should count on when you decide if you should or should not say something.

Whatever you send or post can be copied, saved, archived, or retweeted. Plenty of gamers save AIM logs and there are entire sites dedicated to archiving the juicier bits of social networking sites. If you say something catty about another player, chances are that your direct quote will be repeated or found by them in some way.

ii. All Activity is Beneficial to the Life of a Game:
We have all met the player who is so bad that people leave the game. They do exist. However, chances are that this person will be cut from the game if you give it time. Filing a complaint with a mod is a mature way to voice your concerns. Complaining laterally is an immature way and far less productive.

Most gossip and drama doesn’t center around that one player. Most of it is focused on someone you have a problem with that others may be fine with. Therefore, even if you have decided to avoid interaction with another player because of drama, don’t discourage others.

ALL activity is good for a game. Activity creates plot that ripples and effects others. Character X and Character Y could have a plot that changes Character Y and gives him plot with Character Z. That doesn’t mean that X and Z ever have to thread together. It’s still plot that spreads.

Activity promotes activity. People keep up with the standard of a game. The pace is set and matched. If it slows, even the active players will slow because of decreased pressure or because they are afraid of flooding the boards. Discouraging activity with any player can ripple to slow the whole game. Furthermore, active games attract active players. You may not want to play with a person, but the fact that they are playing can bring in more, good players.

iii. “Who gossips to you will gossip of you.” -Turkish Proverb:
If you start talking smack about another player, the people you talk to will probably not trust you.

We’ve all had the buddy we thought we could vent to. You may think you’re blowing off steam to a trusted source, but I’ve personally had a long time RP buddy turn around and misquote my words of anger to an even longer-time RP buddy. It nearly ruined our relationship. She was never someone I wanted to lose as a partner and I almost did because I vented to someone who liked to gossip.

iv. Drama is nasty and players will leave good games to avoid it:
I have known players in my games to quit because other players kept gossiping to them. Drama creates a negative environment. We role-play to de-stress. This is meant to be fun. Nobody wants to sign up for a game with notorious drama. Nobody wants to pick up a storyline with someone who has a reputation.

II. How to Avoid Drama:
i. Ask Yourself If It’s Worth It:
If you have ever had the terrible, gut-punching sensation of confrontation... if you’ve ever felt the adrenaline rush of duking it out online... if you’ve ever stayed up past your planned bed time to correct someone on the internet... ask yourself if this issue is worth that stress. Usually it is not.

ii. Give Them The Benefit of the Doubt:
Make sure that you didn’t misinterpret tone. It’s hard with a text format and they may not have meant it as snarky as it sounded.

iii. State it and End It:
There is something to be said for a reasonable debate, but if you have stated your case and they don’t seem to be acknowledging logic or they appear to be responding to your logic by repeating the points you just argued against, then they don’t care what you have to say. They may even be a troll. If they aren’t going to let anything prove them wrong, then no matter how right you think you are, it is not worth it.

If they are not changing their mind, end it. There is no point repeating yourself in a six page debate on rpvents. It’s stressing to you and it makes you look just as argumentative. There is a maturity and grace is saying “I already addressed that issue. If you don’t like my answer, then I guess we’re at an impasse.” You will ultimately come off more intelligent and sane and it will win you favour with anyone else reading the debate (and even if you think it is a private AIM convo, they could be showing it to a friend or posting it to quitroleplay!)

III. How to Resolve Drama: For those cases where you need a “come to Jesus” because it can’t be ignored anymore.
i. Asses The Intention:
If someone wants to talk and you think it may be drama, ask yourself what they want. Do they want to “vent” or brainstorm. Sometimes a player may come to you for advice and I don’t want to discourage help. You have to ask if they want help or if they just want to blow off steam. You should avoid steam (it burns worse than boiling water!) and decide if you think you can be helpful if they really want to brainstorm.

ii. Decide if You Can Help:
If you can help, and you really need to search yourself for an honest answer, approach with caution. If you can’t help, make it clear that you can’t and then keep what you’ve heard in confidence. If they really came to you for help and you spread the word, you will not be trusted again.

iii. If You Decline to Help or Listen, Refer Them to a Mod:
If you cannot help or do not want to involve yourself (smart cookie!) then refer them to the other player or a Mod. Those are the only two people you should ever suggest they go to. Don’t drag in another third party.

iv. Know that Nothing on the Internet is Private:
If you know the person in real life or are comfortable on Skype, then those may be your only modes to talk without your words being copy-pasted to someone else. Remember that a stranger on the internet, no matter how long you’ve known them, may repeat you and DO NOT say anything you may regret if it was quoted.

v. Be Objective:
This other player may be your friend, but remember that there are two sides and give the benefit of the doubt. Playing the devil’s advocate may help, but always show that you are supported so they do not think you’ve sided against them.

vi. Get All the Details:
If you are going to intervene, you had better know it all. If anything is unclear, ask for a clarification so you are not giving misguided advice or spreading misinformation.

vii. Offer Advice:
If you are going to talk about a problem, you had better be working towards a solution. Offer advice. This will also tell you if they really want help or just want to vent.

viii. GET OVER IT:
When the issue is dealt with, forget it. It helps no one to cling to the past.


Drama is not an unbeatable force of nature. It is living. Drama evolves and grows and consumes, but the important thing to remember is that it can die. Drama as a tiny monster is easy to kill. Drama allowed to grow can destroy relationships, communities, and leave scars on players. How does Drama grow? Like any creature, Drama needs to be fed. If you refuse to feed Drama, it will die.

DRAMA IS A LIVING, GROWING, ALL-CONSUMING MONSTER. I MUST KILL DRAMA BY STARVING IT AT AN EARLY STAGE. NO MATTER WHAT IS BEING SAID TO ME OR OF ME, I HAVE THE OPTION TO REFUSE TO PARTICIPATE. IF I DO NOT RESPOND TO THE CALL OF DRAMA, IT CANNOT FEED OFF OF ME.

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Did MTV Just Pay Big Bucks for Plagiarism?

This week MTV announced a pilot for their fall lineup, "Underemployed". The comedy pilot, created by the creator of “Dirty, Sexy Money” is set to shoot this fall. To followers of the web series, "Funemployed", the "Underemployed" description seems oddly familiar.

ReelChicago reports “The comedy is about five 20 something college grads and best friends, who go through a series of odd jobs and low-paying gigs as they attempt to start their careers.”

"Funemployed", the Web Series created by a group of Savannah College of Art and Design alumnus, follows five 20 something college grads and their best friends as they go through temp jobs and low-paying gigs to start their careers.


Craig Wright’s series is oddly similar to the YouTube series. The new MTV series has even been described as “a single-camera comedy” and Wright has talked about how the short form comedy makes sense for TV. Nothing gets much more short form and low budget than a YouTube series. "Funemployed" is well into its second season.

Wright’s description could be easily taken as a total coincidence, if not for the setting. Most television series exist in New York, LA, or in a fictional, no name town. When they are set in Chicago, it becomes a deliberate decision. "Funemployed", the YouTube series starring Ted Evans and Kate Carson-Groner, is set in Chicago. You can find the series at FunemployedChicago.com or by looking up FunemployedChicago on Facebook.

As for visibility? Was it possible that Wright even saw "Funemployed?" "Funemployed" has been featured on the tosh.0 website, Spike.com and a video starring the cast, uploaded to the FunemployedChicago Youtube account this February got nearly 450,000 views after it was featured on G4.

One of the creators, Kate Carson-Groner, had this to say about the unlikely coincidence.

"Obviously there are tons of people in similar situations to the characters in Funemployed. We're used to discovering other shows, plays, and webseries that explore the issues of being jobless after college. However, when we saw this show, shooting in Chicago, and read the description, we felt like it couldn't possibly be coincidental. One of the problems with expressing yourself via online media is that unless you already have money coming in, it's very difficult to protect yourself and your art. I hope that in this case our loyal and vocal fans will keep up their amazing support for Fumeployed."

They say that enough monkeys with typewriters could eventually, by chaos theory, create the complete works of Shakespeare. Is Wright’s show a blatant rip-off or a freak coincidence? These are the facts we have. I suppose if one of Wright’s actors does an odd-job as a mime, then we’ll know for sure.

Below is the teaser for "Funemployed". It's funny. You should check it out.

April 19 UPDATE: Read the ReelChicago follow up.

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Fiction: A Creation Myth

WARNING: This post contains adult language. If you are sensitive to profane language, please skip this post. This is a story written for a fiction workshop, later edited for my Fiction Writing I class at SCAD. It is cynical. You have been warned.


Ian Kingsley was not conceived out of love. He was never planned; he was never wanted. The most appropriate way to explain how Ian came to be was to say that his parents fucked.

Raised by a variety of housekeepers and babysitters, his mind hadn’t formed quite right. He didn’t like animals like other children. Some important part of him was missing, though none but Ian and God knew it. Maybe it was his soul.

The seventeen year old boy always dressed well. He wore black slacks and a green collared shirt to the beach. His feet were clad in flame boots he’d stolen from a passed-out Goth kid at the party he’d just left.

Ian passed the sea grass and stepped over a sagging span of short fence. It was tied together with some sort of wire. The sun had just set out of sight, lending warm glow to the gray sky. These late summer sunsets were the best. People used them as an excuse to get drunk before they could even see the moon.

Ian paused and walked over to the tall sea grass to take a piss. He shook himself off and zipped up, continuing on in the dark. He couldn’t care less if anyone saw him. He passed a tipped over trash can and pulled a black pack of cigarettes out of his pocket. The flavoured smoke burnt his lungs. The sky darkened.

A few couples walked along the shore. Some held hands, some stopped to touch each other’s faces as the tide brushed their ankles. It made Ian sick with sentimentality. He bet that at least one out of every couple he saw was screwing around on the side. Long walks on the beach were for personal ads posted by guys who were desperate to get laid. Nobody was ever that sincere. At least, Ian knew, he wasn’t.

When he could no longer see where he’d parked his car, he stopped. Yards ahead sat a girl, probably his age. He heard laughter in the dark. Her friends. Ian sat beside her and his eyes fell on a half empty tequila bottle. He gestured towards it.

She didn’t say anything, just nodded. Ian took a gulp from the bottle and examined it to see if he could find the worm. Satisfied that she must have drunk it already, he set the bottle back in the sand. The girl leaned her head on his shoulder. She was far too gone to wonder who he was.
Ian watched her for a minute before picking up her head and pressing his lips to her neck. She wouldn’t protest. She wouldn’t even remember him. Another child would be fucked into creation.

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Photoshop Goodies: Greek God Icons

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Casting Couch: Fantastic Four

My brother and I love to play at casting books and particularly comic books. The Fantastic Four series with Jessica Alba was alright, but it had major flaws (especially the second one) and Marvel has announced plans to reboot it. So who should play the fantastic four? Thing was amazingly cast, but keeping any one member of the cast would be confusing the the dimmer movie goers. They would start to wonder why Johnny Storm is Captain America. We have to start with a clean slate. So here are my ideas:

Mister Fantastic:

Before Ioan Gruffud was cast as Mister Fantastic, the iconic Reed Richards wasn't a beanpole. The Fantastic Four was meant to resemble an idyllic 50's TV Family. Reed Richards was broad-shouldered, broad-jawed, and heroic. Somewhere along the line a producer with no knowledge of the comics saw a character description and said "NERD!" before casting a lean but still handsome Welsh actor. Then the comics started conforming to the film and before too long Mister F was a beanpole.

So what happens if we take it back to origin? We need someone old enough, but still youthful and active. We want muscular, but also someone we can believe is a doctor or scientist. We need someone friendly looking. We want someone with brown hair, not black.


Eric Dane is most well known for his role as Dr. McSteamy on Grey's Anatomy. You may remember him as Multiple Man in the 3rd X-Men (or you may be one of those who tries to forget every detail of that movie.) Eric Dane has a sweet smile. He'd look good in the super suit, but we already also believe that he's smart enough to be a doctor on TV. Eric Dane is my choice for Mr. Fantastic.



Invisible Woman:
Susan Storm, or Mrs. Richards, began as a classic housewife type. When the comics first began, like most female heroes, she had a feminine, hands-off power that was so strong that they had to be even more sexist to keep her on level with her team. Susan Storm/Richards would use a burst of power and then, so she wouldn't be too strong, pass out.

Typical woman.

Now Susan is strong, compassionate, a mother, sister, and wife. We need someone who isn't the Hollywood twig, someone who would still be beautiful by a 1950's standard. My choice:


It's a little known fact that Rachel McAdams was the front-runner for the role in the 2005 film. When casting began in 2004, Mean Girls and The Notebook had not yet come out and so The Hot Chick was the most popular reference to her credits. The producers decided that with Chiklis, Gruffud, and Evans (who also hadn't broken out) as their cast, they needed a name to sell the movie on. McAdams didn't get the part (which sucks because she broke out in two widely popular films before the FF movie even came out!) and instead they went with a far more logical choice for the blonde-haired, blue-eyed anglo ideal: Jessica Alba. Alba is charming and gorgeous, but they really should have saved her for someone else.

Human Torch:
Johnny Storm was pretty well cast with Chris Evans, but now that Chris is Steve Rogers and we've changed Susan to someone a little more fair and soft-featured, we need a new Johnny. Johnny needs to be a bit younger than Susan, but still old enough to be a pilot. Johnny needs to be good-looking and blonde. We want pretty and cocky.

Going with the 1950's ideal theme I've had going, I found my perfect fit.


Armie Hammer received recent acclaim for playing double rolls as the Winkleboss twins in last year's The Social Network. Hammer can play the spoiled boy born with a silver spoon in his mouth. He's talented enough to create subtle differentiations between twin characters and still bold enough for a recurring role on Reaper.

The Thing:

Ben Grim is a tougher casting. You need someone who already has a broad build, someone talented enough to make bold choices in a makeup that could swallow a subtle performance. Ben is gruff and masculine. He's funny but also someone who is funny to pick on (Johnny and Ben need to play well off of each other). Without being able to throw Armie Hammer in a room with someone for chemistry, here is my match.

You may know Adam Baldwin from Firefly or Chuck. Both are awesome sources. Adam Baldwin is masculine, funny, and makes bold choices. Not to mention, his voice is perfect.

Dr. Doom:
You can't forget the iconic nemesis when casting a superhero movie. Last, but certainly not least, Dr. Doom! Doom requires a lot-- an attractive man who plays a nice, silky evil. It requires an actor who can be theatrical enough to pull off a performance in a mask. Rumour has it that James Purefoy dropped out after filming a few scenes of V for Vendetta because he couldn't pull-off a deep performance in a mask. Mask work is hard, but who better to handle it than...

Jason Isaacs is the best man for the arrogant, cunning dictator of Latveria. He also has a bit of experience playing evil behind a mask, namely as the Death Eater Lucius Malfoy in the Harry Potter series.

So there you have it: my fantasy casting for the Fantastic Four reboot. I can only dream, but dreaming did get me my first choice Superman in the Snyder reboot, so dreams are worth something.

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And Now For Something Completely Different

This is a video of my darling puppy, Apollo, on a low-speed romp around the yard. This video was taken a few months ago. We no longer have grass where he likes to run.

I hope that was enjoyable to some!

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Your Highness: Funny in Context

I am going to have to preface this review-- in the spirit of full disclosure-- with the following statement. I adore Natalie Portman. It is rare I find major fault with her work, and usually it is with the overall film and not with her performance. Now that you know where my bias stands, here is my attempt at an objective review of Your Highness (R) starring Danny McBride, James Franco, Natalie Portman, and Zooey Deschanel.

Your Highness was full of a lot of crude humour. I am, first off, going to give it credit for never making potty jokes. I really can't stand teen comedies where someone has to reach into a toilet or gets crapped on. It's sickening, more so than blood and guts and the raunchiest sex joke. Your Highness never went into toilet humour.



The problem with Your Highness is the sheer volume of sex jokes. That's not to say that adult humour has a limit, just that when it's as copious as it was in this flick, it tends to be more noticable which jokes are better than others. Some moments in the film lead to repeated fits of riotous laughter (particularly Thadeous' trophy). Others seem forced. There is plenty of room for immature humour to flow organically, but more than a handful of jokes in the film seem inserted just to fit them in somewhere.

This comes to the main point of my review. There is a context through which to view this movie that accounts for the forced adult humour and anachronistic exclamations. Maybe it was easier for me, being a gamer and only out of college since 2008. That's right. You got it. You need to view Your Highness as a tabletop role-playing campaign taking place in a college dorm.

Can you see it now? If you haven't seen the film, let me spell it out for you in the most spoiler-free way I can. Fabious (Franco) is played by a veteran gamer who knows how to stack his stats and loves to role play the hero. Belladonna (Deschanel) is played by his girlfriend, who at first came along because she wants to do everything with him, but later gets into it. Thadeous (McBride) is played by the nerd who fancies himself a frat boy and is more interested in tail and loot than the planned heroic quest.

The Game Master, who controls the rest of the cast of characters, has a pretty well thought-out, epic plot. There are stages to the quest, a Campbell-esque hero's journey, and though it's a tad predictable how the plot will develop, it's still fun to be part of the adventure. At times he has written epic speeches for the villains and at times their back-talk and inquiry catches him off guard and he slips out of his character voice and into something more wry and a little bit silly. Despite his goofy moments, he knows his players and he knows how to lure them down the path he has written with naked women and carefully plotted extras.

And then in comes the hard-core gamer, Isabel (Portman) who took numerous social flaws and stacked her character for combat, courage, and conviction. She doesn't quite get the point of having any social strengths in her character because she came to take names, not make friends. She's hyper-violent and probably the only person in the quest who would be able to get there without heavy-handed Game Master hints.

The acting in Your Highness definitely supports this theory of viewing. None of the actors played it for camp. They are very serious as they deliver the most absurd lines or even feast at a medieval table on snow peas and fish fingers. Portman, in particular, keeps a wonderful commitment to her roll, even when her alliterated lines take a turn for the filthy.

The movie is good-looking and the music is great. The visual effects, for the most part, are effective. There is one Portman fight scene where she's flying around fighting a monster and I was reminded of the troll in the dungeon of the first Harry Potter movie (it was bad). The puppeteer for the wise-wizard wasn't that great either, but I have a feeling that was more of a send up to the old Henson films like Labyrinth than an honest attempt at a cool effect.

The fights, even where the effects failed, were all fantastic. They were few enough that you cared about the characters and didn't space out. They were paced and easy to follow. The characters all had a fighting style that suited their personality and skill.

The bottom line of the review is this: If you pay any attention to the opening credits, you should know what you signed up for. It is a stoner comedy. Too many reviewers review every movie by the same standards. 300 doesn't have the same goal as Black Swan and they should not be compared. Your Highness was a low-brow stoner comedy and as that, it was successful.

If I was going to give it a rating on Netflix, I'd be between a 3 and a 4, so we'll say 4 stars so long as you don't have delicate sensibilities about sex jokes and drugs. If you don't want to hear perversion, don't see it. It's as simple as that.

Final Score: B

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